Thanksgiving Message

Now, whatever you do, do not let Thanksgiving get to you. The following are simple cautious measures I would like to pass on to all my dear friends this Thanksgiving:

First, if you have a dog; try to keep him outside without a leash as much as you can, he will be thankful for this and your relationship with him will greatly improve. At least, let him run around on the roof.

Do not worry about having Thanksgiving dinner if the day means nothing to you; it’s just another meal but also do not have Thanksgiving dinner if you have not harvested anything this year (this harvesting can be in the form of artistic work or a good return on your good behavior with a certain person). Realize that all these days have really lost all their meaning and you’re doing this because everyone else is. If you dig deeper, you might even find that you detest this kind of behavior and celebration. If that is the case, do NOT dig deeper.

Ignore all religious talk that might slip through the course of the meal. Do not fight against it. You are outnumbered. “The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was to convince the world he didn’t exist.” You are not the devil and he really doesn’t exist. Realize that you are sitting around and pseudo-thanking pseudo-something while your army is killing people in another country. Keep eating regardless. You’ll have to eat something so this might just as well be it.

If you are a vegetarian, whatever you do, do NOT eat Tofurky! There’s nothing worse than pretending within pretending. Call your family; but only if you call them on a regular basis anyway. If this is the 3rd time this year you’re going to call your mom, hang up the phone immediately and take a shot of vodka instead. Do not worry too much about what you did last Thanksgiving but feel free to compare it to what you did on Halloween. If this starts making you uncomfortable about your personality; drop the thought immediately and take another shot of vodka.

Do not buy organic turkey. Eating organic food is not going to make you live longer; drinking non-organic whiskey with friends and laughing will. Realize that the people you truly love in this world are the ones you can’t work things out with but cannot let go either. If you are single, do not look at happy-looking couples and start thinking if you should pursue a “proper” relationship one of these days. The truth may be they are getting fat, watching TV and petting cats, that is the extent of their happiness. They will never admit it is because of security and habit. Your disfunctional relationship with that special someone with constant relapses and sudden turns and returns is probably much more realistic and will last much longer than theirs. If you are not single, never ever give up your whole self to the other person. Respect yourself but do not think you know anything better than anyone else.

Be proud of your lust, breasts or penis. Do not sleep with every person you find attractive. Only sleep with people you can have brunch with as well. Try to avoid hipsters. After the dinner, do not go to a party in Williamsburg and pretend Andy Warhol is there. He is not. Instead, go to a bar with real people and have a good time with them.
Do not eat too much bread. Smoke less but don’t quit. If you do drugs, start doing them once in a blue moon instead of every weekend. Stop biting your nails. Do not drink decaf coffee. Think about the last person you slept with; if it was good, admit that it wasn’t only sex. If it was bad, do not do it again. If you can’t remember; call them and see if they’d like to try it sober.

Do not try to change people. It won’t happen. Instead, wait for them to change themselves. Appreciate the kindness you receive. Do not put up with stupidity. Whatever you do, do not take anyone for granted. The most beautiful of friends and lovers will walk away the moment they realize you did.

In the end, every spoon will find its dish. Do not lie to yourself. Also realize that the lies you tell others most likely burn out before they reach the shore. People have an amazing ability to let you lie and pretend they believe you. In this case, you would only be racing yourself. Do not EVER race yourself.

Do not play games of Catch. Every horse gets tired at one point and gives up. Do not let people run after you for too long. The more they run, the more they are looking around to see what else is there. Try to get used to hot sauce and whiskey. The sexiest men eat a lot of hot sauce and the sexiest women drink whiskey.

Your siblings are probably the best friends you’ll ever have. Give them money. If you can’t give them money, let them get away with something. Hang out with your grandfather. Buy nice shoes. Do not believe in God. Do not put up with people that believe in God. The biggest sinner of them all is the one who talks about sin. Watch Charlie Chaplin.

Stop trying to look for the truth. The word itself is bogus. Do not wear too much make up. Eat fish. If you don’t already know how to swim, jump into the ocean next chance you get. Know that everything you perceive has been created by you and you have been created by everything that perceives you. Everything happens in this life and stays in this life. It’s like Vegas here. Do not postpone anything. Do not let half-ass things linger too long, either. Admit to love, hate, distrust, care, fetishes, tenderness, loss, gain, hope, weakness, strength. Denial is the enemy of all.

Do not ever ask for pity. The rest comes by itself. Now, put on MEAT IS MURDER on the stereo and dig into that turkey!

Thanksgiving 2007