Incomplete List

black sheets. claire. a boat my grandfather burned. the mercedes-benz i've fallen in love with. your last goodbye. awful vile pathetic conversations that loop. my last goodbye. overgrown high-school love affair. cigarettes. she talks about herself until even her self doesn't listen anymore. red. one black tie. glad to have lived this far. robert walser. sharon. bunkbeds. are you married? amazing friend nobody else likes. katie. kati. kat. cigarettes. a grave in the middle of nothing. an indian wind. inheritance. nick cave. this film. pregnancy scares. a telephone call never made. a telephone call should've never made. whiskey. too much whiskey. coffee. a bone that hurts on rainy days. rain. do not like rain. great man around town. a boat in greece. a lie about a boat in greece. carlee. my apricot tree. a room full of watermelons. nietzsche. the summer that lasted too long. trying to figure out how it started, what started. a spark. confetti. her virginity. honking car at 3am. phoebe. 10 days in prague. laura. lost boy in tangier. a girl who held my hand and jumped on stage. a face i couldn't remember. when i jumped on stage and broke my leg. locked myself in my car. deer close to headlights. she cried. tace. father's cancer. nice shoes. elisa. repeating french vocabulary while crying. a turkish girl with an amazing ass. fucking. hotel room in morocco. a door that creaks. stoned english couple on boat to italy. moustache. emily. a house torn down. year-long fights about money. kill uncle. shalalae. not too much ice. liz. the other liz. the rabbit that died. winking at each other in 4th grade. great roommate. great friend. nicole. cactus and harbors. mad man at the piraeus harbor. $27 stolen. $50 found. another nicole. german. heather. i really can't remember her name. a hole in my face. lucinda's death. hospital smell. an alarm clock wrong. the morning i woke up to find my father dead. kids at play watching us secretly as we made out on the rocks. magdalena. a 28-year old crying for a 15-year old through a bus window. maya. never got beaten up. lebanese woman with endless pseudo-romantic requests. i broke someone's finger. 3 people whose names I cannot mention. the girl who stripped for me in porn heels. trying to avoid a never-ending loop of yes and no. the most beautiful girl who wrote to me. indian friend so dear to my heart (never thought i could be such good friends with a woman.) she said "we have to talk, you're killing me!" constant guilt games. retarded macho-gay hipsters. games of pity. pathetic games. jessica's breasts are 34c. my guitar i haven't touched in a year. fish. more fish. fish all around. bullet. half a person. the other jessica. 29th birthday. useless phone conversations at 5am. sitting in front of the fridge naked. impossible alcohol withdrawal. merrill. people that force you to apologize. bob dylan. you liked it. the girl who looked at my penis in the basement using matches for light when we were 14. the man who shot my dog. small breasts and penniless depressed lady in the middle of istanbul whose cab i had to pay for because she kissed me. my new work. dreamless. fucking your girlfriend's best friend and wondering what kind of best friend she is. crissy. the night i made it home alive. daphne. weird self-assesments. freddie mercury's death. beets mistaken for blood. the vast archive of next moments you are guaranteed to come on top. chocolate. luisa. kurt cobain's death. claire's earring in my beard. cobra. tiger. the girl i am ashamed to have slept with. honesty. disgusting human being accusing me of nothings. my two beautiful secrets. rumi. forgetting how. harmful distrust. understanding too much too soon. hurtful relapse. sex in the garden with wet leaves. rebecca. how she wouldn't believe me. my father's clarinet. lost tooth. nice hands. dressing up for me. the letter i wrote to a lover covering the basics of existence and the meaning of worthlessness. emma. you are man and you age better. there's more. a deal made without details. i've really only fallen in love twice. learning to have enough. leila (how beautiful you are). people's names you can't mention so you don't break the magic. green tea morning with your winning smile. masking tape on her nipples. that blonde's long legs and small breasts. binary code. the tattoos on her ass. bruno s. million-dollar blowjob. absinth. a kiss that came 3 years late. feeling right to have learned to put an end to things. nice fat zeros. sticking her ass out of the cab window. two paintings buried deep in my closet. rude person asking for pity. m. rude person always wanting to be the victim. red heels. bruno schulz. all this will soon be over. selfish slut. thinking why you while the others thought why them. the bruise on her breast. william s. burroughs. spend at least 20 minutes everyday completely naked. one early evening on that couch twelve years ago. standing still with my eyes closed and trying to fall flat on my face. lhasa. sitting by the big rock in spain and telling each other it was over. 6 fucking years of never ending. another 6 years with another never ending. monica. all that i am forgetting. the joy in forgetting. racing eventhough when you know you are only racing yourself. my hand up her skirt as the boys watched through the bar window and she smiled at them. sex in the corn field. stuck in the middle of the pond. sharon's naked picture. another's virginity. werner herzog. she only seems smart because she doesn’t speak much. remembering a particular room of sleep. the one-night stand that turned into 6 months of torture until she had to be carried out. best brother. tom waits. my mother. everyone's mother. the bliss of finding out that you've learned to change your ways. red book, black rose. federico fellini. constant acknowledgement of relapses in everyone else's lives. good posture. a threesome that stopped at the right time. klaus kinski. the turkish army. the year-long lie. walking out on time. knowing how to turn tables for ones you used to care for. the slap in the face that I certainly deserved. jorge luis borges. slow games of chess. always missed when gone. you’ve read this far. that sunny sunday you decided not to put up any longer with people who are reckless with your heart. i can't remember the name of my first girlfriend and feel awful about it even if it lasted just 3 weeks. the monday you learned not to be reckless with other people’s hearts. incapability to keep your mouth shut. disregard. cybil. truly beautiful gestures that keep us alive. always wondering how she can even keep it together enough to buy cigarettes. debts. bargains. expired conversations. one day goodbye will be farewell. she used to carry me on her back. mirrorless. the night i couldn't make it home. the story is old, i know, but it goes on. lucinda. where were you?

(to be continued and extended till death do us part)